There was a point in time when I didn’t feel anything. There wasn’t hurt or anger, no love or happiness. I just existed. I’ve never been the person to think about suicide, but, I was empty. Void of emotions. I didn’t really want to exist, but at the same time, I was afraid of what “not existing” would mean.The only thing that gave me any kind of feeling was dance. In the studio, I was myself and was able to express all of the emotions that I had been shoving into a cold, dark corner of my mind. It was during these long nights that I realized to be alive is to feel.
The hurt meant that I knew what good felt like. It meant that I was here, present, alive, and able to process the world around me. It showed me that I knew there was better, and I longed for it.
To be alive is to feel. I said it before, and I will say it now, because it is so important. Being alive doesn’t mean being happy and everything being unicorns and puppies. It means being afraid, being hurt, and being, at some times, empty. In my opinion, the most painful of the three of those it empty.
But, it also means to be happy, loved, surprised, and content. The bad comes with the good. And trust me, I know, the bad can get ugly. The bad can leave you empty. The bad can make this life seem to not be worth the trouble.
I promise you, however, that it is. The fact that we are able to feel is, honestly, amazing. I would go through all of my lowest points in life again if it meant I got to experience the good times still. I am glad that dance allowed me to feel and brought me out of the void I had gotten so comfortable in. The feeling I felt when I lost my grandmother was crushing, but it was worth it to know her. The brokenness after an abusive relationship years ago is worth the pain then, to know that it sent me on a path to where I am now and the person I am with now. I would experience all of the emptiness I felt to feel full and loved.
I would not be where I am on my Christian walk if it had not been for being completely broken and searching for something to grasp on to. My story lead me to Jesus, and if I can help one person be better, then I have done my job.
Some people reading this are going to think that there is no good, only bad, only hurt. I promise you, that isn’t true. You may not experience it now, maybe not next week, maybe not even next year. But you will come out of it.
You are able to experience hurt because you know how the good feels. Hold on to that, because sometimes, it will be all you have, but it will be enough. Surround yourself with good people, find a hobby you enjoy, and when there isn’t anything left, hold on as tight as you can to those things.